A bit of a back story.
During and after my difficult third pregnancy, I had a lot of hair breakage that I had been trying to repair for some time. Eventually I gave up, put a straightener on my Christmas wish list and received it then completely lost my curls/ my ability to set my hair twists or braids and what seemed like my ability to retain moisture. My hair was still growing a lot and quickly but it wasn’t retaining an even length which I found really annoying.
Fast forward to the beginning of May. I was itching to cut my hair finally and I would’ve cut it all off at that point, but my husband kept telling me I’d regret it at the time. I made a compromise with myself and went with fringe bangs that I always wanted to try but didn’t get around to. I figured why not test it out anyway before it’s all gone the next time I feel like cutting because I knew a big chop would be coming soon. Having bangs got annoying really quick as my hair only stays straight the very first day I style is. Once I start moving around or go to bed, it becomes a mess. That’s just the way my hair goes.
Last Saturday after washing my hair, I decided I was going to do mini twists, a style I’ve done many times with no issue since keeping my hair natural and un-chemically-processed. Except this time my hair just remained straight, it wouldn’t twist, and if it did then it wouldn’t stay. I tried twisting with extra moisture and gel without any luck. I was halfway done before I settled and would’ve cut it then except it was 1 a.m. at night. So I waited until the next day and my hubby buzzed it all for me.
cutting bangs was just the pit stop, an experiment on my way to this destination 🤪.
I’ve never been one scared of cutting my hair, there are so many times I have to ask my hubby to hide the scissors for when I get scissor happy. This is the 2nd time I’ve ever buzzed my hair THIS short. The first was a hair glue mishap (glueing in some weave tracks) in high school which I’m pretty sure I wrote about here. At that point I wasn’t on a natural hair journey, already had short hair and put hair tracks in again within the month. In 2013 I big chopped all the processed hair off to go natural when I was pregnant with baby #1. At that time, the haircut signified a journey towards motherhood and a healthier ‘environment’ for growing my first baby.
At this moment in time, this big chop doesn’t simply cutoff heat damage which could very well be slightly repaired. But most importantly it’s helping to release an emotional trauma as well from the past few months. COVID-19 put millions of people’s lives around the world on hold, and even ended some. At one point I thought I was handling the stress of change and uncertainty for the future well until I felt crippling anxiety daily. And just as I was adjusting to the ‘new way of life’ another major life changer popped up that couldn’t be avoided and the only fix was to work through it, as extremely difficult that was. And even then it’s still a sensitive subject I’ve only barely talked about.
I’ve noticed that cutting my hair drastically has always been symbolic and therapeutic for me. This isn’t “quarantine boredom”. This is my freedom. Release. This is my recovery. Change.
This is new beginnings.